THE FIRST CHURCH OF FOOTBALL

Part 1

In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:

ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children's program.

BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.

BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the preacher at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.

COACH: The children's Christmas program director.

COMMERCIAL:  Announcements.

DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.

END ZONE: The pews.

EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.

FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.

FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.

HAIL MARY: Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.

HALFTIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide they need to use the restroom.

HOLDING: Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.

ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.

ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.

PASS: When the new couple says no.

PASS INTERFERENCE:
1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience.
2. A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.

QUARTERBACK SNEAK:
1. How the preacher gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.
2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.

RAIN DELAY: Baptism

RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who "own" their own pew.

SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the preacher who preaches more than 25 minutes.

TACKLE:
1. What happens to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over singles enrichment retreat.
2. Asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.

TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The preacher's wife looking at her watch in full view of the preacher.

UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.